I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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