you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
