What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
