Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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