Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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