He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
