I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
