theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
