You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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