i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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