that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
