i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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