Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
