Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
