You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
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want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
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Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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