The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
