I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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