Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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