He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
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Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle