Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
