You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
