i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
