This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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