if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
