bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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