i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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