The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
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