So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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