I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
