I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
