how can u be prego again
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
