I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
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