He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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