you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
