This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
