Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
