I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
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Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
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Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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