Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
