My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
