you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
