I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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