shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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