even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
