my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
