why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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