i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
