I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
