Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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