He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
