i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
