Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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