what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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