Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
