Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
