My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We need to get me chipped asap
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
