It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
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