I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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